This is my response to this week’s quote at In Other Words.
“A man who views the world at fifty the same as he did at twenty
has wasted thirty years of his life.”
In my late thirties and early forties I was miserable and I knew things had to change. I looked back on my life and spent some time being brutally honest with myself. I owned up to mistakes and bad behaviors. Admitted to myself that I was an unhappy child and teen mostly because of being a stubborn and difficult child. I acknowledged that as a young woman I made some seriously bad choices and paid heavy prices for some of them. I hurt many people and I hurt myself because I was still stubborn and difficult.
Things did change, I changed, but it was far from easy. The hardest thing to realize was that I was the way I was because I was afraid. Fear defined my life. I knew I needed help and got it. That was the hardest year of my life and the most important. I took responsibility for my life, all of it the good and the bad. There were so many times I wanted to give up and just be “me”, but the “me” I was then was not who I wanted to be. I was done with her. Done with letting the bad stuff that happened and the fear define me and my life. Done with living in the past and ready for the future while being present in the here and now.
My fiftieth year was one of reflection. It was a very good year. I finally came into my own. I knew I was the “me” I wanted and needed and was meant to be. I liked “me”.
Now in my sixties I still have fear to deal with. It’s okay it doesn’t rule anymore. It rears its ugly head now and then, but I am in charge. I think dealing with fear is a part of my life that keeps me from slipping back into the old me. I have learned that those past years were not wasted years. They helped me become who I am today. Hopefully, wiser and kinder. I must say, I am still stubborn, but I am working on it.
This is a very personal post. Maybe the most personal and open I have ever written. I am not sure why I have written what I have. I guess I just needed to be me.