Posted in Reena's Exploration Challenge, whatever!

Home…

Reena’s Exploration Challenge Week 11

* Think of a situation that changed your life.
* Create a metaphor out of it
* Visualize the metaphor and write uninhibited what you felt like
* How did you feel about it at that time
* How do you see that today? Has your perspective changed?

Forty years ago I was sitting in my living room thinking about suicide. Just pondering it. But it was an option. I was lost and didn’t know how to find my way. On the outside, it looked like all was well. But I was living in a frenzy of bad behaviors and rebellion.  I was cold, tired, sick, lonely, and very afraid. I felt that I was running fast but getting nowhere except deeper in the pit of despair.

As I sat there I realized I wanted to know the warmth of home.

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I was surprised. I had left home before I was eighteen and though I saw my family often I  never wanted to go back to the house I grew up in. That got me to thinking about what home meant to me. What it should be like; warm and cozy with laughter and sharing of dreams, safe without being restrictive, a place where there is understanding and it’s okay to cry, a place where I could just be who I am.

That day forty years ago I realized home was not a place but a Who. That Who knew all about me and was waiting for me with love. That was the beginning of my journey home.  The journey has not been easy but it gets easier every day. Of course, there are times when I am tired and I let things become burdensome. That’s when I look back and see how far I have come and remember the lessons learned along the way. I might have a good cry but they are not tears of fear and frustration they are tears that cleanse and nourish my soul.  A lot has changed! I am well, content, strong, and no longer afraid. I am not alone anymore. I have found my home.

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14 thoughts on “Home…

  1. Great post. Many of us struggle with something even though it may not be apparent. I keep my struggles to myself. It may suit me but often folks don’t understand why I don’t travel or be more active in large groups. I have found my home and learned how to not concern myself with expectations but it took a while. Hope you have peace.

    1. Thank you, Kate. Not being concerned with the expectations of others is a big step in healing. Took me a long time to get there and helps with the healing that continues on. Sometimes I slip on the edge of the pit but “Who” is there to keep me from falling in again.

  2. Patricia… powerful. I am happy, more than happy that you are strong and no longer afraid. I am thankful you have found your home. It was just about forty years ago I was beginning my struggle with depression and anxiety. I understand the despair you speak of here. I am glad you have found peace.

    1. Thank you, Pix. I know about the despair of depression and anxiety and still struggle with anxiety on a daily basis. But, I find strength and peace in “Who” and know that one day anxiety will be something from the past I only remember.

  3. I fully agree with this. I have often felt homeless, when there was nobody who understood me. We keep hoping to find our moorings with financial independence, a comfortable home or success, but in the end it is always WHO that matters.

    Thank you for joining in, Patricia!

    1. I cannot imagine actually not having a place to live, feeling homeless was awful enough for me. Sadly, we spend a lot of time acquiring things we think are important and neglect what is most important. Who is the only one who can satisfy our hearts and give us sanctuary.

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