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Past, present, future…

Reena’s Exploration Challenge #17

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  1. My past–I was rebellious and angry and afraid.
  2. My present–I am at peace with myself and content with little fear.
  3. My future–I hope to continue as I am, growing in wisdom and love fearlessly.

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The sharp fragmented pieces wildly scattered about
have gathered as soft feathers to fill this soul
preparing it to soar in the heavens.

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Home…

Reena’s Exploration Challenge Week 11

* Think of a situation that changed your life.
* Create a metaphor out of it
* Visualize the metaphor and write uninhibited what you felt like
* How did you feel about it at that time
* How do you see that today? Has your perspective changed?

Forty years ago I was sitting in my living room thinking about suicide. Just pondering it. But it was an option. I was lost and didn’t know how to find my way. On the outside, it looked like all was well. But I was living in a frenzy of bad behaviors and rebellion.  I was cold, tired, sick, lonely, and very afraid. I felt that I was running fast but getting nowhere except deeper in the pit of despair.

As I sat there I realized I wanted to know the warmth of home.

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I was surprised. I had left home before I was eighteen and though I saw my family often I  never wanted to go back to the house I grew up in. That got me to thinking about what home meant to me. What it should be like; warm and cozy with laughter and sharing of dreams, safe without being restrictive, a place where there is understanding and it’s okay to cry, a place where I could just be who I am.

That day forty years ago I realized home was not a place but a Who. That Who knew all about me and was waiting for me with love. That was the beginning of my journey home.  The journey has not been easy but it gets easier every day. Of course, there are times when I am tired and I let things become burdensome. That’s when I look back and see how far I have come and remember the lessons learned along the way. I might have a good cry but they are not tears of fear and frustration they are tears that cleanse and nourish my soul.  A lot has changed! I am well, content, strong, and no longer afraid. I am not alone anymore. I have found my home.

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Trust…

Today in the Tuesday Chatter Cafe
I am chatting about
Reena’s Exploration Challenge Week 9

The current news about those who have “power” and how they use that power to take advantage of others has Reena exploring trust.

I am a pretty trusting person…until I am not. I have not been abused or taken advantage of like the women in the news reports. The abuse of my trust has been more of lies, secrets exposed, and gossip. I think most of us have experienced these types of betrayals at one time or another. I have been fortunate that the people who mean the most to me, those I love, have not deliberately hurt me this way. When it has happened I could forgive and let it go because we share the same heart. When trust has been broken by acquaintances or casual friends I have forgiven but not forgotten and remain wary of them.

As for the issues reported in the media recently, this seems a whole different matter. There are people that have “power” in their world and use that power to abuse and take advantage of those they believe are without power, those they think of as underlings and without resources or support.

These “powerful” people are simply cowards. They have no courage or heart, preying on those they think are below themselves. They are slithering about in the underworld of darkness. They feel safe and strong in the dark. That is why their acts are always secret and hidden. Light exposes their weakness and makes them afraid not just of the possible consequences of their actions but also for others to see them for who and what they are in reality.

It makes me angry not only that someone thinks they are entitled to take whatever they want from others by negating basic moral behavior but also that those who are mistreated and harmed are made to think they have to accept that the abuser’s behavior is somehow permissible and tolerable. We need to be strong in our stand against the reprehensible acts of men (and women) who do deplorable things and have no conscience.

Okay, I have to stop now…this is just too upsetting.

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Confrontation…

Reena’s Exploration Challenge, Week 8
This week Reena challenges us to look at confrontation
and how we handle it, what we do to resolve it and how it affects us.
On her blog, she has posted an excerpt from a conversation with
psychotherapist Barry Michell about a tool
to use when facing confrontation.

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I am not a fan of confrontation and rarely initiate it but I do not run from it either. It helps if there is notice that there will be a difficult conversation so that emotions can be held in check and tempers don’t rule the meeting. Being blindsided by aggression is never easy. It takes patience and restraint under the best of circumstances to take the time to really listen to what is being said so that the problem is understood and can be resolved.

The paragraph below is from the conversation. There are two paragraphs before this one that set up the premise and it would help to read them for understanding. The link is here.

The first step of the tool is to scream silently to yourself, “Bring it on!” and move right into the cloud. Once you’re in it, you scream silently, “I love pain.” In this case “love” simply means I am one with this pain—I’m inside it. To get through something, you have to become one with it; then, and only then, can you let go of it. In the third and final step of the tool, the cloud spits you out; you find yourself soaring into a realm of pure light…and you say to yourself, “Pain sets me free.”

I can’t say I have used this approach. It seems counter-productive to me. I do think it is important to prepare yourself and accept that it may be unpleasant or painful and to acknowledge your feelings but I am not sure “pain sets you free.”  I have had my share of painful confrontation and I can’t say I have ever “become one with it” before I let it go.

We all see and work through problems in different ways. That’s what often brings on confrontations. Maybe if we spent less time centered on self and more on others the confrontations would be less confrontational and more conversational, less aggressive with more accomplished.

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Posted in Reena's Exploration Challenge, whatever!

One belief…

Tonight I am joining Reena’s Exploration Challenge Week 7.
And it is a challenge!
Reena asks that we,

Take any one belief of yours that has ruled your life,
and examine it from the following aspects.

Then answer Byron Katies Four Questions.

So here goes!

The belief that has ruled my life for the last forty years is that
there is God and He is the architect of my life.
He designed me and the plan for my life. 

  1. Is it true?
    Yes, I believe it is true.
  2.  Can you absolutely know that it is true?
     In my heart, I believe it is absolutely true but in my mind, I sometimes wonder. I think this is part of being human and a work in progress.
  3.  How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
     When life is going along at a steady pace and without major mishaps or problems I am thankful but give little thought to what I believe to be true.  Those times when life is not so easy when it is difficult and uncomfortable I find myself turning to the source of my belief and I become calm.  I can move from the center of the difficulty or problem to the outside boundary and see it from a larger and more unprejudiced perspective.  I can then think more clearly and honestly without exaggerations and fits of temper or self-centeredness.
  4. Who would you be without that thought?
     I would be an anxiety-ridden, angry, self-pitying, self-centered, very sad woman.  I can state this without hesitation because I didn’t always believe there was a plan for me and I was that miserable unhappy woman.

So there you have it!
Thanks, Reena, this was a great challenge.

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